Overcoming The Difficulty Of Raising Kids Overseas Without a Family Support Network

One of nature’s greatest disappointments, without any doubt, is a floury red apple.  You know the sort I mean right!?  Shiny on the outside, but horribly mushy on the inside just as you take that first bite. Luckily the same cannot be said for fatherhood - the disappointment part I mean; generally we are rather shiny on the outside, but as masculine as we’d like to appear externally, we are rather mushy on the inside when it comes to our little ones.  We dote on them, entertain them and give them our all.

Yet what about you?  What about your wife, husband or partner?  If you are anything like me, a father bringing up his child on a different continent away from my own parents, you too might find that one of the greatest hardships is exactly that, bring up a child away from your extended family, your family of orientation.  The difficulties don’t tend to stop there either; what about finding time to nurture your own relationship with your spouse or partner?  You might find yourself recognising more and more the need to establish a regular weekly or monthly date in the calendar just so that you can make time for yourself and time with your husband, wife or partner.  Living away from support networks takes its toll; sometimes you need to be more than just mommy or daddy, you need to be a partner, a councillor, a lover and a friend.  Taking time out to set aside alone time with one another is vital in ensuring that the relationship continues to blossom.  This is common practice among many couples who make the concerted effort to just be man and woman for at least one night a week outside of the role of parent; which admittedly takes up almost all of one’s time.  Living away from the grandparents is a very real situation which many young parents seem to be facing in this ever-changing world we live in.  I often dream of evenings where I could just leave my little one at her grandparent’s home for the evening to have a little time out.  Bringing up a child when your parents are in a different time-zone, on another continent, or just a tad too far away for the convenience of a trusted babysitter, is very difficult.  In my experience, there are many young South African parents who are displaced from their own parents, and therefore lack the support which one from a collectivist society may enjoy on a daily basis.  Whilst this is difficult for those of us who do live so very far away from our parents, it must be equally difficult for those parents who are away from their children and now their grandchildren too.  This is even more of a reason to practice a parenting style which lets your little one know that they belong and are loved.  A sense of community in my mind is vital and helps to shape who our little ones will become.  A close friend of mine was fondly recalling the story of his son’s take on all of this -  he said to his mother (they live in the UK) that South Africa is where all the old people live...because all his UK based friends flew to South Africa to visit the “old people”.  Second generation South African children are growing up in a world where South Africa is, to them, an expansive old age home, a place we go to visit the old folks!  This is both equally humorous as well as sad.

I have come to recognise (I have lived in the UK for 13 years and my daughter will be six next month) that when we make an effort in this regard, we benefit.  The world seems far smaller these days thanks to technology like Skype and FaceTime, despite the obvious geographical distances.  

But what of you and your relationships, your marriage?  Like anything, be as proactive as possible.  If you can’t coax a friend to come and watch movies at yours (somehow there is always that enticing free bottle of wine left suggestively on the kitchen counter as you span your arm across the room in a circular motion, citing the over-played “help yourself to anything”), then set up a picnic at home.  Turn the TV off.  Put phones in a different room.  Now, whilst the children are sound asleep upstairs, tuck into that bottle of wine which your would-be babysitter would have had two sips from because we all know that they drove to your place and wouldn't have had any more than a few sips anyway, and rediscover “you and me” without the aid of nearby family. 

As featured in The South African - www.thesouthafrican.com

            

Finding New Feet

Watching my daughter grow up is such an amazing experience.  Each and every day there is a new word or a quirky line worth trying to store in my memory bank to recall at a later date in the hope of relaying the tales of her cuteness in fifteen, twenty or thirty years’ time.  This daily delight is also, unfortunately, coupled with the not-so-amazing “she’s growing up too fast”.  Every stage of her 6 years so far has been awesome in its own way and whilst I want to keep her at 6 months forever or two years forever, the next stage comes along and quickly replaces the nostalgic sigh in my heart because I am so caught up in who she is becoming in the here and now.  As our little ones grow they tend to leave behind a trail of forgotten toys (Pixar made millions off the back of this reality – ever seen Toy Story?), fluffy one-piece animal suits and that adorable dress or funky button-up shirt which made them look like a mini adult on that special occasion.  We box them, hide them in a forgotten corner in the loft or sell them on popular auction websites.  These tangible, comforting reminders of who our little ones were are outgrown all too quickly and find themselves crammed up in some nook ready for semi-permanent hibernation.

And then there are the shoes.  An outgrown pair by the front door.  Outgrown Wellies at the backdoor (reluctantly burdened by the dried up remains of last winter’s muddy adventures).  The smart, formal shoes to go with that dress or funky button-up shirt that never even got to fulfil their life’s purpose of donning a squishy left or right foot.  Last summer’s flip-flops you bought in the winter because they were on sale, but by the time summer came they were too small.  And then there are my favourite pair – the hand-me-down tap dancing shoes from who-knows-where, shy of a pair of shoelaces.  These collective little pairs (and believe me, I am reluctant to use the word pair too loosely; we all know that the left shoe is under the sofa and the right one is underneath a pile of toys in the toy box) are scattered reminders of our little ones growing up too fast.

What if we could put these reminders to good use?  What if these little scattered objects which are either shiny and new or are so worn that they are clutching on desperately to avoid extinction (because we all know there is no in-between when it comes to kiddies shoes) could inspire education, score a goal on the other side of the world or tap away on wooden floorboards in a Central African school hall much to the delight of a hundred smiling faces in the audience?  If you are anything like me, there is no room for what if’s in this life and nor should there be.  Enter Sal’s Shoes, a UK based charity that does the very thing we have been “what if-ing” about.  CJ has done this very thing.  She has hosted collection after collection and has managed to send donated shoes globally, and the figures are impressive!  All this in the space of only two years.

Now I’ve never done an interview where I am expected to take the role of the interviewer in any of my previous blog posts, but whilst chatting to her the other day about what she does as a day job after having met her a few years ago, I was gripped by this incredible feat and all I wanted to do was reach out to my audience and beg you not to miss out on something incredible which is happening as you read this.  I pried into how people can get on-board to ensure that those scattered little critters we call shoes can be put to good use once they are so quickly outgrown.  If you are as interested as I was when talking to CJ, read on.  This is what she has to say:

I was reading some incredible stats on the Sal’s Shoes website – hit me with some numbers!

There are an estimated 300 million children in the world for whom walking with shoes is a rarity. In many countries you cannot go to school and access an often free education, unless you own a pair of shoes.  Protected feet are healthy feet; the World Health Organisation says that soil-transmitted diseases - caused by different species of parasitic worms (the roundworm, the whipworm, and the hookworm) - are among the most common infections worldwide and affect the poorest and most deprived communities. In just over two years, we have found new feet for 42,000+ pairs of outgrown, but not outworn, shoes and got them walking again in 30 countries worldwide, including in the UK.

Social media is such a vital cog in the wheel of any organisation.  Where is Sal’s Shoes and how can we learn more, stay up to date, etc?

Agree totally – as a charitable organisation we have completely snowballed because of the support we’ve been fortunate enough to receive and by harnessing social media for what we believe is a good cause. https://www.facebook.com/salsshoes1

Twitter:  @sals_shoes

Most of my readers are based in America and my homeland South Africa.  Can they help?  Are you set up to receive donations from abroad?

We are but we don’t always need to be – this year we have started launching in-country collections where shoes collected within a country are distributed within that country. SA is one of them! If you want to jump on board and organise an in-country collection, please send us an email

Let’s be frank for a moment.  You grew up in southern Africa, I grew up in southern Africa – can donors be sure that the shoes are finding their way to the right feet?

They can be assured that we’re doing our due diligence and work hard to build up relationships with the organisations who distribute Sal’s Shoes. Can we guarantee it when we send a consignment overseas, no, but we can try our damndest and we’re not cynical, we believe in what we’re doing.

If I donate a pair of shoes (just to let you know that they will be black, have no laces and can be used for tap dancing), can I track where they have been sent to?

The shoes need to worn again.  No holes in soles.  Think of the new owner and give them a quick clean.  Laces if they need them.  Ballet/tap/jazz shoes, football boots, slippers, school shoes, trainers and just about any other type you can think of, all acceptable. Size irrelevant, my feet haven’t grown since I was 11 and I wear a size 6, as long as they are child-appropriate (no heels!). We were built on the premise that we know where every single pair of shoes ends up walking again – this may be as specific as a school in the UK collecting a shoe haul that gets distributed at a school abroad, or weather-appropriate so if you sent us a pair of winter shoes/boots in September/November last year they are now being worn by young Syrian refugees in Northern Iraq.

The most important question of all – how do I get the outgrown kiddies shoes into your hands?    

Several ways – you can post them to us, deliver them to us or drop them off at one of our ongoing drop off locations, you can send us one pair, or organise a school collection or get your place of work to host a collection – all info can be found at www.salsshoes.com  and if you’re still confused drop us an email info@salsshoes.com (and if you’re shoe-less but want to help us to keep being able to pass on pre-loved shoes to their new owners you’re always welcome to make a monetary contribution https://mydonate.bt.com/donation/start.html?charity=104929) Giving  a pair of shoes a second life can give someone else a chance of  a new beginning.

And that is that!  It is incredible how a small seed planted in our minds can grow into something so amazing and something which can have a global impact.

So, in summary, your help and support is only one click away.  

EMAIL || DONATE || FACEBOOK || WEBSITE || TWITTER

CJ of Sal's Shoes

The Facebook Facade

My most recent post, Going at it Alone (click here to read), generated much interest.  Readers invited me into their private lives by sharing their own troubles - the very things which keep them awake at night.  What this has shown me is, firstly, I am not alone in my current situation, and secondly, we are so good at not only hiding our inner most misfortunes to the outside world, but have in fact become experts in creating a whole new world where life is carefree and fun beyond comprehension.  It is the latter which led me to reflect on this very fact, that most of the information that I receive via social media is almost always positive, uplifting and seemingly so much more utopian than I have ever had the privilege of.

Many years ago, I wised up to the fact that Facebook brings with it an unrealistic highlight reel whenever I scroll through my news feed.  The "Going At It Alone" post brought this to my attention once again when you (my readers) started getting in touch.  It is evident that those of us using social media can "sell" an image of who we want to be so easily.  I can create a happy family.  Add in a child.  Add in a dog or a cat.  I'm not saying that all posts on my news feed are pseudo or made up to sell an image which just isn't true, what I'm really trying to get at here is the fact that we are selling our ideal selves and not our actual selves.  Whilst likes and friends boost our self esteem, is it not a self esteem based on the actual self, but rather than the ideal self.  I'm not suggesting that people photoshop in backdrops etc to make out as if they are having fun, but that moment when your phone takes a photograph is not necessarily all moments - it may be just that moment - that great moment - one worth sharing and "selling" to the world, but it isn't our reality and so we go back to our world and wait for the likes to reel in.  I too suffer from this.  I write a post and my shadow side (as Carl Jung, the famous psychodynamisist, would call it) wants to know who is reading my post, where are they in the world, who has liked it, who has shared it.  We all fall prey to this and it is not always a negative thing.  The problem creeps in when we start to compare our actual selves to the ideal selves of others.  Depression sets in - "how is it that everyone else has such an exciting life and mine is so monotonous and bland?".  We reflect on our own lives and feel inadequate.  Why don't I have holidays like that?  Why am I stuck in this rut?  Why isn't my relationship that fun, full of life?  Why aren't my kids as bright, as quirky, etc, etc.  This is not the first time I'm writing a post with this sort of theme, but as previously mentioned, the fact that I had been sold so many happy images, only to learn that all is not what it seems, compelled me to share this with my audience.  

The idea of this post is to offer a sense of normality - whatever that word means (side note - it's always dangerous for people in my field to use the word "normality").  I recently found myself standing in front of some pretty vulnerable teenagers explaining how social encounters via the internet are accounting for the rise in teenage depression.  I continued my talk by mentioning that social networks are not always conducive to positive mental wellbeing - no one has a permanent highlight reel I found myself preaching.  Not one of the friends you host on social media have perfect lives which carry zero adversities.  It is so easy to get caught up in the lives of others by scrolling through our news feeds without taking a step back to recognise that the moment they are projecting is not all moments; that moment is not all moments, and whilst you may be experiencing adversity in that moment, others aren't ... and vice versa.  Just like you, I already know this, I too get caught up in all of it, sometimes feeling overwhelmed like my life is substandard in some way.  The alternative of course is to wear your heart on your sleeve and watch your friends on social media dwindle into the ether - I guess that's one way of reducing your friend count - people just don't want to read about the miseries which others have to endure when they are scrolling through their happy place which happens to be Facebook or Twitter.

As an additional note, a "PS" if you will, I have been a massive fan of Rob Bell for some time now (in my view he is the modern-day rockstar of Christianity).  For about a year now he has been recording and producing a podcast called ... wait for it... The Robcast (genius!).  If you too find yourself in the middle of adversity, no matter how great or how insignificant, I would like to encourage you to download and listen to Episode 17 (What To Do With The Waste - click here) and Episode 18 (It Comes In Waves - click here).  These two podcasts in particular have been comforting through some of my darkest hours.

Let me know your thoughts...and as always, thanks for reading. 

Going At It Alone

If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans for the future. 

I heard this little gem of wisdom a few years ago and it has always put a smile on my face. It's easy to smile when unexpected happenings occur and they turn out to be rather fun and adventurous - yet there are some occurrences in life when future plans are so violently shattered that the shrapnel of the metaphorical explosion rips you apart. Suddenly finding yourself as a single parent, either through loss or a marriage which goes awry, is a daunting, scary place. It's a survival game, not only for yourself, but for your little one(s) too. It seems that one's primary thought is often focused on "How can I navigate through this without damaging my child's sense of security, general wellbeing and their faith in an institution which promises unconditional love?" It's easy to think that one is alone in all of this. One moment you are spending leisurely Sunday afternoons in the local park - an idillic setting for an ideal family - and the next you are caught up in a whirlwind of turmoil.  By the time you have managed to come up for air you've lived under numerous roofs and the thing that is most precious and dear to you is no longer hopping into bed with you for morning cuddles; the very thing that inspires you to be the best person you can be. 

There is little reassurance in the pseudo comforter that is "you are not the only one going through this". Yes, many have come before us and many will after us, but that means so little when your whole focus is on that one little being that you have helped nurture for x amount of years. Playing tag-team to spend time with one's children is not an ideal situation. This modern take on the once nuclear family where one adult and one, two or three children occupy the home is not a comforter either. All of a sudden becoming part of the statistics becomes way more than just another set of numbers...you become that stat but only this time the stat is no longer deindividuated. Each of those numbers has a name. Each of those numbers is no longer bathing their child at night. Each one of those numbers no longer gets a goodnight kiss.  Each of those numbers no longer gets a turn to say a goodnight prayer to their favourite audience.  Physical touch becomes substituted with a small voice on the other side of a telephone, and when it is your time, your night, nothing wedges the knife deeper than "I want to go back to mommy's house".  We do what's best for our little ones and we suck up the pain, put on a brave face, cry quietly out of earshot whilst they are distracted by their toys or splashing in the bath. Falling to the floor and sobbing becomes the broken mans silhouette - still standing tall to protect his children, but folded and small when no one is looking. It never seems to be apparent to the passing eye, but single dad's carry the pain deep inside, because society will somehow still have us believe that fathers, when it comes to children, are not as important as mothers. Perhaps there is some deep embedded truth in the ideology, but mere fallacy is perhaps a truer picture.

Going at it alone is greater than not going at it at all, but damn it's tough.

Today's Parenting Hot Topics; A Total Bore

I recently decided to dedicate some time to see what was "out there" when it came to "hot topics" on parenting.  Like all good modern day individuals, I put my encyclopaedia to one side and decided to go with Google just this once.  I soon began to realise that my search was going to be rather fruitless.  Whilst I have very little opinion when it comes to whether or not children over the age of three should still be riding in pushchairs or strollers, or whether or not it is right for them to be carried around in a Baby Bjorn (wearing your baby as some bloggers and writers put it), I could not help but ask the question - Honestly, who gives a s***?  Ok, so that sort of language would not get me recognised in the latest Parenting 101bestselling paperback, but I guess I really wanted to just stress the point.

My simple view is that we should be focussing more on topics which will strengthen the bond between our little ones and ourselves, or focussing more on providing a supportive home where they are made to feel loved, unique and special.  Environments which stimulate cognitive growth and aim to improve self-worth and an appreciation for oneself and those around you, is surely worth spending more time over than deciding on deposable nappies (diapers) or natural cotton ones (this is a debate for the environmentally concerned, not an essential "hot topic" for the wellbeing of your child)?  My concern here is not that these debates are worthless, but rather that there are more pressing things at hand when bringing up a child in this day and age.  Sure, have fun debating whether or not to hire a birth photographer, but the fact that we as parents sometimes get so caught up in the (bordering on) ridiculous, we lose sight of the fact that our children are growing up in a age where "sexting" (the sending of sexy texts) is becoming an expected norm of young girls in the Western World by their male peers, and acts seen in pornographic material desensitise the youth at an alarming rate.  I feel that spending our time investing in our children, allowing them the opportunity to develop a strong sense of self-worth and to value themselves as the unique individual which they are, is time far better spent than debating over gender specific toys (click here to see my blog post on gender specific toys) and the like.

The intention here is not to focus on the perceived doom and gloom which surrounds us (or doesn't), but more to draw our attention back to the basics of parenting; that is to love our children in a way which makes them feel loved.  Equipping one's child with a sense of self-worth may just end up being the very gift which they carry with them for the remainder of their lives.  Sure, debate these things, but do not forget to recognise that these minor issues will not alter or enhance your child's life in anyway; potentially they are merely time thieves, a way to pass the time without holding any real value and of little worth.  Some might say that I'm being overly critical or concerning myself with something which really isn't worth investing any time in, and you know what, they are probably right - just don't forget what is really important, and that is the little one in front of you, not the plastic or cotton wrapped around their waist. 

I guess the really big question is now is...should I pierce my daughters ears or not?

Robin Williams Did Not Die From Suicide

Much like the rest of the world, I woke to the tragic news that the much loved actor and comedian, Robin Williams, took his own life.  The newspapers are reporting (off the back of a police statement) that he was pronounced dead after being found hanged in his home.  The coverage of his death got me thinking - is it really possible that the cause of any death can be suicide?  I'm not talking about some philosophical debate on how one dies, but more the cause over the result.  When we ask how someone died it is often the quick, simple response which makes up the reply.  Most of us will know that Freddie Mercury died of AIDS when in fact it was ultimately Pneumonia which caused him to breath his last breath.  My father died of Amyloidosis, with underlying Myeloma; cancer to the rest of us...more accurately an infection after a marrow transplant.  What I'm getting at here is that Robin Williams died due to (what is now being reported) long term depression.  

Suicide carries with it so many negative connotations - we often think of those who take their lives as selfish, not mindful of those who love them as well as those left behind (in this case, millions of us).  What is not fair however, is that Robin Williams may be labelled as such - a selfish individual who has chosen to die by taking his own life.  I never knew him, but I'm pretty confident in my guesstimation that his death was a direct result of an affective disorder over pure selfishness.  Depression is often not taken seriously enough.  Comments such as "just snap out of your sadness" or "why are you depressed when you have everything you need?" are comments which reiterate the lack of understanding when it comes to this disorder known as the common cold of psychology.  It is not as simple as just "snapping out of it", and if possessions and wealth bring happiness to those who possess them, then why was Robin Williams not "happy"?  I doubt he was short of money or possessions.  Something inside me feels it is inaccurate to report that he died because he killed himself; surely depression is the root cause and it should be reflected as such in newspaper headlines?

Why is it that an illness which has 121 million sufferers at any given time, which is increasing at a rate of a 20% annually in the Western World with regards to diagnosis and is rife among parents of new-born children so misunderstood?  Is death as a result of suicide really possible without mental illness as the root cause?

RIP Robin Williams   

Why My Daughter Will Grow Up In a Christian Home

My daughter will grow up in a Christian home.

Brain-washing, infringing on ones right to openly choose, alienation, division, or a hypocritical existence, call it what you like, but my little girl will be growing up in a Christian home.

Granted, at times the church has let us Christians and our reputation down and yes wars have been fought in the name of this god or that deity; I've heard the arguments before. Man is flesh, and therefore has fallen. I have no intention of teaching my daughter the art of war, the hatred possessed by extremists or the fallen few who have taken advantage of children in their care. Mine shall be one of Christlikeness.

Religious or not, the historical figure who was and is Jesus Christ is still praised to this day and, at the very least, if not praised,  acknowledged. My choice is to believe that He is the Son of God and the Risen King. These are views which I will share with my daughter in the hope that she too will learn to love and follow Christ. This is neither blind indoctrination nor is it answering the call of some extremist group in preparation for religion-based warfare. It is following a life of humility, empathy and the acknowledgement of others beyond oneself. In a society where there is a constant sense of entitlement, the thought of having to adopt a faith or belief in something which requires just that, faith, seems absurd. - "I'm entitled to go to a happier place when I die, and no one will say otherwise". In the words of Matthew Thiessen: The beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair. Authors, politicians and members of the general public are unsettled by the fact that the UK prime minister has announced his devotion to the Christian faith. "How dare he cause division and segregation by laying claim to one faith, isolating the importance of the rest" they seem to be crying out in unison. People want their cake and to eat it. The recognition of gay rights, for example, has advanced extraordinarily over the past few years; the legalisation of same-sex marriages being the latest. Whilst many "non-believers" praise the government for the freedom and equality it has now granted same-sex couples, they are quick to forget that although the practice of homosexuality is deemed a taboo in the bible, it is only a Christian state that would adopt this level of inclusion. It is the mere fact that Britain was founded on Christian principles which allows for the inclusion of other faiths and alternative lifestyles. Look at the world around you - would other religions allow the freedom of open practice of other faiths and the worship of other gods? Would other religions allow for practices outside of their holy book to be passed in the law? It is highly doubtful. This does not make Christianity and Christians weak, in fact it does the opposite, it recognises the importance of inclusion, an existence without judgment, an air of Christlikeness which is steeped in strength. Christ was never exclusive.  Sure, some will argue that redefining things such as marriage go against the Holy Book and therefore undermines Christian tradition, and they are right, but what message are we sending as Christians if we judge, rebuke and alienate those who do not share our belief system?  It was the understanding beyond common man which was Christ’s biggest threat to the authorities; seeing the bigger picture and incorporating love is the way I hope to rear my child.

It is these values which I will aim to instil in my daughter. It is a home which teaches what we believe to be the truth, and the practice thereof.  She will never be forced into a belief system nor will she be badgered to follow a faith which she doesn’t believe in, but rather, like all religions, encouraged to adopt a core set of morals which abide by the law of the land and encourage interest beyond oneself; this is both amicable and desirable.  There is no shame in that, nor should there be.  Religion brings with it boundaries and instils a cognitive mindset which encourages societies to be both equal and fair.  Having no belief system is a belief system in itself, and this idea that our modern liberal democracy was brought on by the European Enlightenment period only begs one to challenge it.  Look a little closer, this enlightenment is little more than Christianity without the talk of God. Why is it frowned upon for a Christian to be a little assertive in his/her beliefs? Why is it that the idea of atheism and the like are insulted or threatened by this?

I am no expert in this field, but I have no shame in announcing that my child (and God-willing children) will be brought up in a Christian home.  They will be taught to love irrespective of faith or religion, to appreciate views other than their own and to contribute to society in the most positive way.  So why should it matter to the secular world whether my child or any other child is brought up with a faith rooted in religion or whether a world leader announces who he chooses to follow?  What is prevalent in this modern-day, Western world are children who are reared without direction, without a core belief system and flexible morals – we are not talking about extremist beliefs here, merely following and implementing traditional religious views which whether Christian, Islam or Hindu, all encourage unity, empathy and an interest beyond one’s own self.  Selflessness is a rarity in this age, and Christ personifies that.  I will be only too proud to have a daughter who puts others before her; one who possesses awareness beyond her own wants and needs.  

I Can't Live Without My Smartphone!!

Obsession, compulsion and a growing need to gain immediate access to the world at large.  My iPhone 5 has sadly become more than just a way of contacting friends.  As a generation, we are becoming more absent in the present than we could have ever imagined.  Couples sitting opposite one another in a restaurant ignoring the here and now focused more on the somewhere else.  The invisible ‘other’ takes over the conversation; the moment flitters away from behind a bright, scrolling screen.

I often catch myself, strangely unawares, sliding my finger down the iPhone screen every few minutes to ensure that it is updating itself as much as possible.  Never mind the pre-set push notifications; they are just not frequent enough.  During an ad break whilst watching TV, whilst cooking, whilst walking, whilst talking, WHEREVER and WHENEVER – How absent and obsessive have I/we become?  We are fast evolving (if not already) into a generation whose OCD is the social norm; even the disorder itself cannot keep up with its ever-increasing popularity.

When defining abnormality, we recognise that deviation from social norms is often a tell-tale sign, but in this ever-increasing obsession with keeping up-to-date with everything else in the world except where we currently find ourselves, we are hardly deviating from social norms at all.  Apple is now talking about placing a camera on the phone that will display what is directly in front of it; all this so that we avoid colliding with others or lampposts whilst texting/SMS-ing.  Just like modern day cars have a camera to display what is behind the vehicle when one shifts it into reverse, so too is there talk of such technology on our cell phones.  Why is it that we are so obsessed that we cannot even cross a road anymore without the distraction of our mobile device?

Instant access is breeding a generation where young people are under constant scrutiny.  When is the next “like” going to come along?  Who is adding me?  Who isn’t?  Did this or that person see my latest update?  We are becoming increasingly obsessed with such things that, in reality, hold very little value.  Getting a high score on some new app craze, ensuring that I tweet about how awesome the party is which I am currently at (if it were so awesome, why are you on your phone tweeting about it?) and ignoring everyone else in the room because I’m so busy concentrating on having a conversation with someone else who is probably on the other side of the world.  We are allowing ourselves to be the victim of whatever is out there, without having any real censorship or control.

I am certainly not against social networking or the internet, of course not; it is the basic platform for this very article, but on reflection of my own obsession, and the instantaneous nature of such devices like my iPhone, it is only right that I take stock of where I am at with regards to my own obsessions and compulsions.  The wellbeing of young people is becoming more and more of a concern and it is a valuable exercise to reflect on how much we allow ourselves to be absent from what is happening around us in that very moment.

The headmaster of a prestigious public school in South West London has recently made a very strong case concerning the latter.  He writes:  “[social media] leaves teenagers feeling like a hopelessly inadequate star of their own second-rate biopics…”  The full article can be read here.

Social media is a wonderful thing, but it does leave young people who are impressionable and (often) naïve open to potential scrutiny which is unexpected and (for the most part) unwarranted.  It may seem cheesy, but if our young folk are going to get a lesson in resilience, they will need to say know to social media, and not no to it (as some of us adults may think).

Children Who Are Desperate To Please Their Parents, & Parents Who Will Never Be Pleased By Them

Pastor Jason Clark preached: "think about the mothers who obsess about their children so much that they cannot make good choices for them; parents who won't let their children grow up and leave home.  Children who are trying to please their parents, and parents who will never be pleased by them".  BANG! These words hit me so hard...each and every one was delivered, in what seemed to be, slow motion. They made plenty of sense in the sermon, but even more sense when relating them back to my day-to-day experience of working with young people and the difficulties they face. 

I need to make it clear, that I am not that parent; this is not because I have chosen not to be, but purely because I am a long way off having an adolescent child. It is not to say that these words won't be personified through me and my style of parenting in the future, but I sincerely hope that they will not be a foreshadow of things to come in my household. The reason these words had such a profound impact on me is due to the fact that I have sat opposite many adolescents (as a counsellor) who sob with their head in their hands, or shake from fear at the mere mention of what their parents might say in reaction to something which seems rather insignificant. Or how about those who use adjectives such as "hate" or "despise" to describe the very people who have secured their survival up and to that very point of being? The blindness or selective attention which us parents adopt when it comes to supporting our children can have detrimental effects; far beyond what we could ever imagine. I have never sat opposite a child and thought "man, this poor child; his/her parents are really awful". One cannot judge, yet I do often think how wrong some of us as parents get it from time to time. The smothering and over-powering nature of some households can literally drive the children to mental instability, often resulting in generalised anxiety disorders or affective disorders such as depression. This is in no way intentional; and if it were, I would hate to even entertain the thought. Yet, intentional or not, the reality is that many young people suffer at the hands of parents who are too involved; involved so much so, that obsession takes an invisible grip on them, robbing them of an objective view.

Whilst this is often argued as "love", it is sadly, far from it. Communication plays such a vital part in the success of relationships, yet why is it that communication seems to be the last option? "Okay now we will go and see a professional now that everything else has crumbled to the ground." What is the professional going to do? Wait for it...get you to talk and start communicating. Relationships are not self-sustaining, they require so much work, literally hours of talking openly, trying to discover others through open communication. If it is (seemingly) so simple, why is it that children have come to people like myself over the past several years with the desperate words: they just won't listen to me...?

I'm not claiming to know the answer, hey, I'm not even excluding myself from the possibility of being like that with my daughter one day. There are far more experienced parents out there who probably don't need to hear opinions like this from a novice, but I had to write; the words of Pastor Clark which pricked my ears to attention so urgently this past week could not be ignored. I desperately hope that we listen to our children in a way that allows us to maintain a level of authority over them, yet grants them the power to feel listened to, in a way that tells them: "hey, you, and what you have to say, matters to me".

   

The Noun That Changed My Life...

I'm sitting in church a few Sunday's ago and I look down.  Dangling from one of my belt-loops was a tag which read, I am responsible for collecting ... - it is the policy of the Sunday School that whoever signs a child in, takes the tag, holds onto it, and at the end of the service collects that child ... but only if the tag with that child's name on it is produced on collection.  Whilst I sat there (listening to the sermon of course), a strange realisation dawned on me, the name, those three words right there on the card, are so much more than just three words.  The schema (mental processors) attached to that name are so vast and wonderful.  I am in danger of sounding all new-age and airy-fairy here, but it was just such a wonderful moment, looking down and realising that that name is unique to my daughter.  Those three words bring with them so much love and joy...three words that I jointly chose for a child that I jointly help create (although she does look remarkably like the postman :)).

Everyday nouns seem so strange if you say them over and over again.  Anything really.  Let's use the word camera; ordinary, everyday...nothing much to it.  But say it over and over again and it begins to sound and seem somewhat strange (C_A_M_E_R_A: I can hear you sounding it out as you read). When it comes to my daughter's name, it is rather strange how the presentation of these particular words, in that specific order, provides a real sense of ownership in my mind - a sense of belonging, a sense that I am responsible for, and dedicated to, that person which happens to makes up those three simple words; A flower, God's unconditional forgiveness and love, and my family name...all three making up one fabulous little girl. 

Only One Rule To Dating My Daughter - LOVE HER!

I always wanted a son, but when the desire to have a child became a reality I paused, only for a moment, and it was in that ponderous moment that I knew; I really would love a daughter.  When my wife and I had the scan, the one that tells you the sex of the baby, we found out that we were having a little girl.  "Sh*t, what on earth do I know about girls?".  I had grown up in a home with two brothers, a father, a male dog...my poor mother and the cat were the only ones who were from the "other species".  But I felt a sense of calm when I imagined having a little daddy's girl, and that dream has become a reality and I have been living the dream for just over three years now.

When the news started to spread that we here having a little girl, so did the comments about dating and boys and the future of my little girl's love life.  Isn't it weird how men think?  This poor little beauty hasn't even been born yet and already she is dating or not dating - seventeen (or whatever age is suitable to start dating - maybe 33) had come by so quickly and she hadn't even left the womb yet.  I was told that it is better to have a boy as that way you only have to worry about one penis and not hundreds of others.  As raw and crass as that is, it is not something that a father is easily able to dismiss.  Then my amazing 120 kilogram, 6'4" brother-in-law reassured me that there are three uncles the future suitor will need to impress as well as me, her father, before he can even think about dating my daughter.  This poor bloke, somewhere out there, probably not even born yet, is receiving telepathic threats.  It's funny how we men are; sex occupies our mind on more than one occasion per day, yet when it comes to our daughters, we don't want to hear another word on the matter!

So why am I addressing this now, my little one is just three-years-old.  Well, quite simply, a few articles have been doing the rounds on the Internet and one was really profound and thought-provoking.  But before I come to that, there is another "trendy" set of rules doing the rounds on dating our daughters.  It is entitled "10 Rules for Dating My Daughter" (very quirky I know!).  Here they are in case you have not been "lucky" enough to read it or you just didn't care when you saw the title on your Facebook feed:

1. Get A Job (A great 'The Offspring' song by the way)
2. Understand I Don't Like You (I don't even know the poor bloke)
3. I'm Everywhere (Well, unlike God, I am not omnipresent and this would just be a lie really)
4. You Hurt Her, I Hurt You (I'm sure I could muster up some emotional damage)
5. Be Home 30 Minutes Early (Well, I wouldn't want her missing the end of the film now would I?)
6. Get A Lawyer (This seems a tad unnecessary)
7. If You Lie To Me, I Will Find Out (that dusty polygraph set that we all keep in the back of the cupboard may come in handy)
8. She's My Princess, Not Your Conquest (Now that's a little bit more intelligent; way to go!)
9. I Don't Mind Going Back To Jail (It's hard to revisit somewhere you have never been before; think about it!)
10. Whatever You Do To Her, I Will Do To You (No Thanks!! I won't be French kissing any boys)

If you are really wowed by these wonderfully imaginative rules, there is a group you could join called D.A.D.D - Dad's Against Daughters Dating (yip, I am being serious, they seem to exist).  Anyways, back to the thought-provoking piece I read the other day.  It is bravely entitled 'Dear Daughter: I hope you have awesome sex' and it can be read here.  The author talks openly on how sex and love is a wonderful thing and comments (rather intelligently) on why he would not want to deny his daughter the privilege of experiencing the wonderful things in life.

This is a bitter pill to swallow as a father, but the author recognises that consensual sex is an agreement between two parties, not just one.   For me, an active Christian, there are so many ways that I can view this as a negative narrative, but at the heart of it all, this guy is absolutely right.  I am so deeply in love with my little girl, and I welcome anyone to try and love her more.  If there is someone out there why would I want to deny her a life of love and happiness.  Yes sure, these "10 Rules..." are just a light-hearted view I'm sure, poking fun at fathers and how protective they are (and rightly so) of their little girl(s), but we do carry this idea that no one will ever lay a hand on our daughters as long as we live.  

In reality, the challenge lies with my wife and I.  It is our responsibility to instill a sense of self-worth and values which will encompass my daughter's very being throughout her life, equipping her to make moral and sound decisions based on the teachings of her parents and school teachers.  Peer pressure is a reality, but a positive self-esteem is too.  Through love, and trying to uphold the few thousand kisses I shower her with every day for as long as possible, I will continue to ensure that she feels loved and appreciated, and therefore knows what it is like to be treated properly by a man.  

Wherever he may be, my daughter's future husband is more than welcome to love her as much as I do.

Husbands who are Fathers: A Forgotten Species?

Sometimes, if I am truly honest, it really gets me down when I feel that I am coming second to my daughter as far as my wife is concerned.  I can easily rationalise this with a host of reasons as to why this is how it should be and that it is only natural for her to be putting our child before her husband, yet I still feel a great deal of disappointment from time to time.  If one were to reflect on the notion in some detail, I guess it is more a feeling of insignificance than merely feeling a sense of disappointment.  Fighting for your wife's affection and attention is often a battle rarely won when you are up against those cute little things; but is it okay to undermine these feelings of insignificance just because one is able to rationalise the situation?  Don't get me wrong, mothers have busy lives, but a little more time focused on her man...surely that won't go amiss?  

Sometimes I see posts posted on facebook feeds where wives are wishing their "amazing husbands" happy birthday and happy anniversary, yet I've noticed something!  These wives are usually the ones who don't have children.  Is this an indication that before baby and children come along, women have more time to announce to the world what an awesome man they have in their life or is it just that women are more focused on their men before the children arrive?  It is easy to turn this on its head and say that perhaps I am reading too much into these posts, but it gets me almost every time; is this passion for one's husband substituted for children once they arrive, or is it merely a coincidence that I've read too much into?

Perhaps a feeling of insignificance can also lead to a feeling of disrespect.  For many men, their top priority is to be a pillar and a support to both their wife and children.  If left to feel overlooked or insignificant, can this be misinterpreted and lead to feelings that he as a provider is not respected?  I wonder if this feeling of insignificance leads to a feeling of being unloved, or whether that can stand independently?  I once read a very powerful sentence:  it is very difficult for a man to see his wife cherish the children, yet treat him in a casual manner.  Admittedly, I feel this sometimes.  My wife will constantly tell our little one how much she loves her and is extremely demonstrative towards her (and rightly so), but could you please pass some of that sweet sugar in my direction?

Love, to many men, is displayed through signs of physical affection, so when those actions are displayed so abundantly towards the children yet sparingly towards the husband/father, what other option does he have but to feel unloved or insignificant?  Yes we are old enough to rationalise it, but sometimes this lack of attention to detail on the part of the mother does cut rather deep.  

As time passes on, and less and less time is dedicated to the forgotten species, he may become more and more lonely.  As humans, one of our primary needs is companionship; the need to feel loved and appreciated.  Many men will argue that as his wife pours more and more of her time and energy into being a mother, she pours less and less of her time into being a wife, in fact, the pour becomes more of a trickle.  A major concern here is that the lonelier a person becomes (in this case the man), the more vulnerable (s)he is to outside temptations.  A feeling of being wanted is a primary need, if neglected in one place, surely it'll seek fulfilment in another?  This is not to suggest that men who feel insignificant and unloved will find another woman at the "drop of a hat", but as time chips away, so too does ones ability to rationalise and sustain the level of commitment one may have once enjoyed.  

I know I like to feel appreciated, and perhaps extrapolating that to the greater male population is a slight misjudgement on my part, but I'm going to assume that this is the case for most males out there. Being valued as a man is so vital and I guess some fathers feel far less appreciated by their wife if she shows appreciation towards her children, yet neglects to do so when it comes to her husband/partner.

So ... one question springs to mind; what value will this have to the various parties, and who, if anyone, is more inclined to identify with the latter?  Mothers?  Fathers?  Husbands?  Wives?  I don't really know where the answer lies.  If you can relate to this as a man, great, please know that you are not alone out there...and, if you are a wife reading this, then hopefully there is something in here which may help you to understand your man (and his needs) a little better.